Children Of A Lesser Glob
by Anderson Steel
Summary: A completely juvenile, immature, intellectual-vacant Adventure Time fanfic with bad words and adult situations. If that's your kinda thing, hop right in! May write another chapter depending on the response this story gets.


It was a beautiful day in the big tree house overlooking the grasslands that Finn and Jake lived in. The sun was shining, the air was clean and crisp, the urban youths weren't commiting criminal acts, Kevin Smith had mercifully stopped making movies, and for some inexplicable reason mixed nuts assorted nuts were a different thing all of sudden. ...I forgot what i was talking about.

Oh right - uh, Finn and Jake, something something, yadda yadda yadda treehouse.

"Boy, it sure is a good day to sit around and do nothing, right Jake?" said Finn, sitting on the couch next to Jake, mindlessly indulging in a violent video game as Jake sat quietly and read a Newspaper.

"Damn straight, my brotha." replied Jake. "With the bitches gone and the ice king doing jack shit, there's nothing around to keep us from hangin' out and drinkin' some cold ass bruskies."

"Heh, you said it bro." said Finn in a patronizing, shit-eating tone. "Hey BMO, this game is way too easy, what the shit bro?"

"We want the Call of Duty audience, Finn!" remarked BMO.

"Okay, that does it, get over here 'ya gameboy faggot." Finn picked up BMO by the side and wrote "HO" where the "B" was. "Suck it, you 8-bit cocksucker!"

Finn then violently tossed BMO back onto the ground, with utter discontent for his safety.

"All i know is pain." said BMO as his eyes welled up with tears.  
"That's because you like MEN, FAGGOT." replied Finn, bitterly mocking the sad little robot child.

"Whoa whoa whoa, what the fuck man?" said Jake, clearly disgusted with the sad display he just witnesse. "What the fuck was that shit, Finn? you can't treat your friends like that."

"Fuck off, man." replied Finn. "Robots don't have feelings, that's like, science or some shit."

"Whatever man, just chill out." Jake responded. "Just chill the fuck out, you've been acting like a royal douche all weekend, bro."

"Hey, don't talk to me about being a douche, bro. I've seen you do nothing all week but flick fleas and armpit shavings on every piece of furniture. Do you think it's cheap to clean that shit, man? It isn't." said Finn.

"Yeah, well at least i don't look up bondage porn on my friend's computers." said Jake. "By the way, if you're gonna do that shit, at least clear the cookies after you're done, it took me two hours to clean that shit up."

"Well, well..." Finn said, humiliated and blushing. "At least my face isn't fuckin' orange!"

Jake let out a horrified gasp.

"Take it back, pal!" Jake said as he tossed the paper aside and stood up. "You take that shit back right now!"

"I won't take it back, but you can have THIS!" shouted Finn as he raised a middle finger Jake's way.

"Oh hell no, HELL NO." responded Jake. Jake then proceeded to sucker punch Finn right in the nose, knocking him into the table, crushing it and breaking everything on it.

Finn wiped the blood from his nose, took a look at it on his hand, and flashed an angry look at Jake. "Oh bitch, you have no idea how much of a world of shit you are in." Finn quickly jumped up, took a broken leg from the table and smacked Jake across the face with it, knocking him down. Finn quickly ran to deliver the killing blow when Jake transformed into a puddle and slid under Finn. Not knowing what to expect, Finn was quickly hit in the genitals by an emerging foot.

"Oh god, Mork and Mindy..." said Finn in a strained, high-pitched voice.

Before Finn could even react further, an arm emerged from Jake's puddle body, picked him up by the leg and tossed against the wall, knocking down several framed pictures. "Bam, fucker!" shouted Jake as he regained form and began to run towards Finn. But just as he gained traction, Finn tripped him and jumped up. "You're a fucker, fucker!" Finn began to stomp on Jake's face over and over again, taking the occasional moment to kick him in the jaw.

Thinking quickly, Jake bite Finn on the leg as hard he could. As Finn let out a girlish scream of pain Jake quickly climbed on top of his head and started battering him with a barrage of sissy punches. Finn went absolutely fucking ballistic and started running around smacking his head against the wall screaming, trying to dislodge Jake. Eventually he regained composure and tossed Jake over at on the ground, causing him to roll around a bit.

"YAAAAARGH!" shouted Finn in a fit of quality dialouge as he picked up the television and tossed at Jake. Jake managed to dodge the television when the door opened, it was Lumpy Space Princess. "Oh my blob you guys, you would not believe it! I just-" the television set smacked into LSP, knocking her out cold.

Finn and Jake leaped at each other, causing them to collide in the air and collaspe into a battered mess. They began brutally beating eachother as they rolled around on the cold hard floor. Whenever one would get on top of the other, they would smack the other one with a brutal bombardment of punches until the other one rolled them onto the ground and did the same.

Finally Finn kicked Jake up and into the wall, beaten and battered, he slowly waddled over to the remains of the broken table and picked up another broken leg. Just as he turned around, he found an equally beaten Jake attempted to struggle the table leg out of his hand, they both pulled at it and shoved against each other as hard as they could, but Jake managed to get it from Finn. He took a swing at Finn's head, but he managed to duck in time.

"H-hey guys, i... i think i have a concussion. I need t-" said LSP just as Jake accidentally smacked her in the face yet again. As Jake looked down at her broken and beaten body with cold indifference, he noticed Finn in the corner of his eye, limping over to the couch and then slouching over it in a huff.

Jake charged towards Finn, ready to beat him to death, when turned around, a gun in his hand, and pointed it at Jake's forhead.

"Finn... don't this man, don't throw your life away." said Jake.  
"Shut up... just shut up!" replied Finn, angry and beyond the point of reason. "Don't you fucking talk to me, you son of a bitch!"  
"Finn, think about this," Jake begged Finn. "It's just assault right now, don't make it murder."  
"I don't care!" Finn shouted. "I don't care anymore! I'm going to splatter your brains all over the wall, you dirty fucker."  
"Alright, then shoot!" shouted Jake as he grabbed a hold of Finn's gun and held it to his own forehead. "You got the guts to have blood on your hands?! You got what it takes to take a man's life!?"

The beretta stirred nervously in Finn's hand as he clumsily held the gun to Jake's head, his eyes struggling between expressing anger and fear. Jake's face remained cold, unfeeling. Expressing no visible emotion, his hands managing to keep Finn's gun steady. As the tension mounted more and more in the broken and abused living room, the minutes began to felt like hours. Finally, Finn made his decision. He carefully lowered the gun as Jake let go of it. Unable to muster the composure to hold it anymore, the beretta fell to the ground, almost instantly falling out of Finn's sweaty hand.

"That uh..." said Finn between heavy breaths. "That escalated really quick."  
"Uh, yeah..." replied Jake, equally shaken. "That got really dark."  
"Can you even remember what all that back there was about?" asked Finn.  
"Oh no, goodness no." replied Jake.

Just then, the Ice King came running in through the open door.

"Guys, guys!" said the Ice King, excited and oblivious. "Guys, you'll never guess what - oh jesus, what the hell happened here? - whatever, not important. Guys! You'll never guess what happened! The cable guy came over and accidentally crossed some wires, long story short i got all the porn channels for free! You gotta see this stuff man, it's great!"

"Aw yeah!" shouted Jake.  
"Penetration Time!" shouted Finn.

Finn and Jake ran off merily to go watch Ice King's totally awesome free porn.

As they left, Lumpy Space came to, her entire body battered and brusied, her mind heavy and here thoughts clouded. Every part of her globbish figure ached in pain as she slowly began to retrace events in her mind and become aware of her surroundings. As she looks around, she caught BMO in the corner of her eye, lying down on his side curled up in the fetal position, his eyes welled up in tears in a completely traumatized, catatonic state.

Lumpy Space struggled to crawl her way over to BMO, gently and weakly lifting him from under the couch and near her. BMO buried his face in Lumpy's globby figure, trying to gain what little comfort he could as LSP wrapped her arms around him. She noticed the obscenity written on BMO's side and faintly tried to wipe it off, only managing to smear it a little.

"Why... BMO?" LSP weakly asked. "Why are we treated this way? We have done nothing to hurt anyone, and yet we are beaten, our hearts broken... the people we care about, that we love, return none of the emotion to us. We are treated as nothing, as though we are worthless. What are we if not equal to them? Are we simply lesser beings? Are we children of a lesser Glob?"

"I don't know man, that shit was crazy." Replied BMO.

The End. 


End file.
